Here’s Why It’s Tough: Look at the dating scene. Tinder? Seriously? Two random strangers basing their decision to become as intimate as humanly possible on appearance and “fronting”? Because that’s all any “profile” in any online dating profile is: a front.
Even with sites like eHarmony, where a detailed user profile is explored, there’s still a front: users present themselves as idealistically as possible. They may give one or two honest concessions, but we all hide from the bogeyman in our mental closet. While eHarmony.com relationships may last, they’re as likely to be time-bombs; whence comes the breakdown.
Will the parties involved in the relationship have the strength to push through a major blowup, caused, when all the gloss is removed, simply by inherent humanity? Will they become reconciled? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
When these blowups happen early in a relationship, it can prevent a cumulative explosion years down the road. The bottom line? Human nature makes relationships hard. Getting in too deep too quick is a recipe for disaster. Also, physicality should be rescinded as long as possible, for those looking for a lasting experience.
Know The Truth
According to C.S. Lewis, it’s impossible to retain a feeling forever, and relationships today are based on that which will end: feelings. You can’t “feel” head over heels “in love” with anyone forever. Eventually you’re just fooling yourself. Feelings transition, but this isn’t a bad thing!
Just because you’re not a couple of puppies high on dopamine constantly touching one another and gazing into each others’ eyes and never spending a second apart anymore doesn’t mean the fire is quenched. A burning flame is an uncontrolled hazard that infects anything around it; but the hottest fire burns blue, and is sometimes difficult to see.
As your relationship matures, you become strengthened one by another. As the two of you butt heads over your inherent humanity, it smooths out the rough edges, and in the end is a sculpted piece of art that before was just a blocky stone.
Relationships are meant to have a certain amount of trouble, because without the love to overlook imperfection, we can never transcend it. That kind of love requires intimacy—true intimacy; beyond the physical kind.
So if you go into it expecting a fairy tale romance that perpetually enlivens you, leave that adolescent misunderstanding at the door. “Happily Ever After” is propaganda, in every possible sense.
People do retain their joy, but there are seasons; like a roller coaster, or a range of mountains. For every peak there is a valley, and the higher the peak, the lower the valley. Know that you are in for a ride that will drag you through the toughest times, and the most beautiful times.
But even if you do your best, it’s no guarantee your partner will, and there are definitely legitimate scenarios when the relationship can no longer go on. This is not how it is meant to be.
This is a heartbreaking schism between two souls that for a while were one.
Yet the schism isn’t the end of sorrows, because life tacks on a salacious legal fee. According to David D. Stein, a bay area divorce attorney, “The average fully litigated divorce costs $78,000! The average mediated divorce costs less than $7,000!”
Even the less expensive option is crushing for most people today; but it’s still a tenth of “the full monty”, as it were, in the form of litigated divorce. Mediation makes sense in these scenarios, but the best solution is to work past your difficulties.
A cheating spouse may be irreconcilable; but there have been cases of reconciliation—just look at the Clintons. If reconciliation is possible, it will lead to a peak higher than any you’ve yet seen. If not, the valley may not have a bottom. But some see will see the mountaintops again!